If the developers of this game can't be bothered to put in more than the minimum effort necessary then there's no chance I'm going to do any more than that for this review. Although I will check it to make sure it's not inherently stupid before I post it to Luke. And unlike the game, you can read any part of the review without having to read the introduction. You are also unlikely to die in my introduction, as I know that's a sure fire way to put people off.

There's much about this, um, piece of software that I cannot fathom, but nothing is as bewildering as the notion that this is meant to be a sequel. I pity the poor bastards who experienced the first game, although judging by how piss poor this effort is it's actually conceivable the original was better. But not probable, as it takes scant moments to realise that you are sat in front of an extremely risible attempt at a consumer product, let alone something you might enjoy. For example, the tutorial. A few minutes in and I was having grave reservations about Panzer Claws but as I was duty bound to press on I did so. Only to have my expeditionary force wiped out by unseen enemy artillery. Oh great, I got killed in the tutorial. Well, arse to that I thought, I know enough about the game mechanics - my cat could have been parachuted in to replace me if I was given the chance - to get stuck into one of the campaigns. Except it wouldn't let me until I had finished that damn tutorial. So began the catalogue of ineptitude that was to characterise my time with Panzer Claws 2.

The minimap deserves a special mention. Glossing over its inverted button control I really must emphasises how retro its appearance is. I haven't seen anything that ugly since computer chips hit double bit figures. Maybe it looks so terrible because next to that garish mess of pink and green the rest of the graphic won't look so bad. But seeing as my mind created a blind spot in the lower left hand of my vision to save it from mini-map induced damage I couldn't help but be drawn into the sheer amateurishness of the graphics. There appears to be a grand total of eight brushes used to paint the landscape and don't even come at me with your questions about blending, shading, AA or artistry. The models are misshapen, looking a bit like clay models which have been pinched at both ends by some ill-disciplined child. Not only that, but everything has a barely perceptible jerkiness to its movement, almost as if all the moving graphics are being streamed through Real Player.

Okay, so the presentation would shame a special education class art jamboree, the graphics wouldn't pass muster as a joke and the sounds don't even merit a mention, but what is the gameplay like? Well, it appears that the developers were so busy creating such incredible landscapes and realistic models that they forgot to compile the gameplay part of the code. They also appear to have never played any other games - of any kind - in their collective lives. The fact that double clicking on one unit selects all similar units must be a fluke, because any game that allows you to die in the tutorial is seriously flawed. From little things like my men getting run over by my own supply truck to the complete lack of unit animation for anything other than the soldiers, Panzer Claws 2 is filled with oversights and cock-ups to such a degree that if it were the Titanic it would be in danger of sinking while still at port. In a dry dock.

The idea of an is to simulate the of war in an entertaining fashion. Panzer Claws 2 simulates one thing and it does this very well. The hell of war. After 30 minutes I wanted to crawl up in a ball, was calling for my mommy and had developed a nasty tick each time I flicked my sunken eyes towards the monitor. From the formations that do not stay in formation, with each unit making its own way to the target and choosing a random direction to face when they get there, to soldiers who run like they had stolen all the amphetamines meant for the flyboys, unit behaviour is atrocious. Fancy using a bomber strike to clear a path? Well you better hope that the enemy stays put while your plane saunters onto the battlefield, because the bomb will drop, in a straight vertical line from plane to ground, only where you clicked. There are a few instances of units using their own initiative, such as chasing an enemy unit across the battlefield, as if they were trying to return a dropped hankie.

There's base building in this game as well. Excluding defensive structures, there are around a dozen buildings to construct. A mine will provide money, as long as you stock it up with some flamethrower units or any other ground-pounders you have handy. A factory also needs troops to function although I gather their heart really isn't in it as building a crappy cheap tank takes about two minutes. So it's kind of fortunate that the skirmishes are so bad, with terrible maps and even worse AI, (my first opponent quickly allied with me, I sat bemused for a while before the 'Victory!' screen appeared) that there's little danger of anyone harming themselves by over exposure to such travesties.

Panzer Claws 2 features four campaigns, a skirmish mode, (last game played in October, two people on the ladder) and an editor (which confirmed my guess that there were only eight texture brushes in the entire game) and an unintentionally humorous manual. It's the nadir of WW2 RTS gaming. Just avoid it.

11%

11%

By Sam Gibson