We've never had to serve time in a high security prison, but if we were to be locked up, we reckon that Prison Break: The Conspiracy will have sufficiently prepared us for a stretch on the inside. Not because it's a gritty portrayal of life behind bars, but because it's about as much fun as being shanked in the communal showers.

Prison Break: The Conspiracy is developer Zootfly's videogame episode that runs parallel to the events of the show's first series. Adopting the role of undercover FBI agent Tom Paxton, you're sent to Fox River Penitentiary to keep an eye on Michael Schofield and his big brother - the two lead characters from the hit TV series for those not in the know.

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Opening in a meeting with your potato-headed superior - a man with the dumbest Irish dialect ever uttered - you enter the facility on the prison bus, initiating the dull story, which offers almost no extra insight or additional exposition to the original shows. The cast is all present and correct, and the show's narrative plays out with you as bland game-specific character, Paxton.

Once you enter the state pen, you're slowly lead to your cell, where like any professional undercover agent worth his salt, Paxton gets out his recording device and begins taping his observations right in front of the knuckle-dragging criminals in the middle of the cell block. Brilliant. It's also worth noting that by this point we've earned several trophies for merely watching a cutscene and walking to our cell.

We're let out of cell from the game's outset, allowed to roam the corridors and yard at our leisure. Doors are left open, guards drift aimlessly around the place, allowing fights to freely take place without ever intervening. So, we choose to engage in a few random scraps, approaching any old inmate we don't like the look of and hammering X or square until our opponent submits and is primed for a quick finisher. Even though the fights are scored by bombastically thunderous drums, they're actually far more boring than they sound.

Not only are the combat mechanics truly shocking, but the stony, emotionless expressions on the character's faces are utterly laughable. In fact, the only facial movements you'll see on a character's waxen visage, are blinking and mouth movements when they deign to talk. The rest is just blank, which is especially comical when you're engaged in a stressful situation like potentially being stabbed or strangled to death with a length of chain.

Back to the fights though, which are unintentionally hilarious bouts utterly bereft of drama as a dead-eyed, plastic-faced convict prances towards you like a crude ape carved from play-dough. It's all quite frankly ridiculous, as you're forced to endure dozens of these stupid fights. As for the rest of the game, the 'experience' is relentlessly shoddy from start to finish, the only redeeming feature being the number of moments that'll make you and any spectators laugh out loud. Prison Break: The Conspiracy is the comedy game of the year, no contest.

Even the fail screen is an unending source of mirth as it crash-zooms in on the podgy, vacant faces of the prison guards, who on occasion aren't even looking in your direction when they apparently spot you snooping around. You'd think never happened, 12-years ago, since not only is the combat completely irredeemable, but so are the sections that make up the majority of the game's scrappy, patience-wearing duration.

There's a glaring lack of polish inherent throughout the whole of Prison Break, from the grotty visuals and doughy character models to the dodgy AI and rubbish bits where you trade punches with ludicrous whooshing sound effects straight out of an old kung-fu movie. Even the script is exclusively comprised of inane dialogue delivered by an original cast thinking about their easy pay cheques. They should all be ashamed of themselves, although we'd forgive their crap voice work if we found out that it was payback for their in-game likenesses, which are deformed, waxwork versions right across the board.

Efforts to flesh out the game's anaemic narrative with underground fighting (did we mention how terrible the fighting is?), purchasable tattoos and weep-inducing button-mashing exercise mini-games that will send you irrevocably insane in minutes, are barely worth mentioning. Simply put, they're disposable garbage that you'll try once and never ever return to. But you'll need to build Paxton up to win fights, won't you? No. No you won't actually.

When the only reason you're compelled to continue playing a game is to point and laugh at how badly the entire thing has been thrown together, you know that it has major problems. The real tragedy is that fans of the show will see the Prison Break cover and buy it just because of the license, but seriously, don't waste your time and money. The show's central cast barely feature and when they do, they look and sound appalling. If you're still thinking of picking this up, then we can only assume that you've had a lobotomy. And after playing Prison Break: The Conspiracy, we feel like we've not only lost a piece of our brain, but a little piece of our soul too. Suddenly, a life sentence doesn't seem so bad.

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By Rico Vasquez