It's an ambition of mine to pen a single-word review in which the main body of text consists of nothing but a damning expletive that perfectly encapsulates the reeking mire of a game I've been forced to wade through on your behalf. Sadly, while I may eventually see that ambition realised, repeated submission attempts have thus far been assuaged by interfering editors with half an eye on PR relationships and revenue. So, until that day dawns...

...Final Fantasy The Crystal Chronicles: Crystal Bearers is most succinctly described as a mind-numbingly dull pseudo-RPG that's unlikely to satisfy budding videogame adventurers on a whole host of levels.

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Specifically, gamers unfamiliar with the previous Crystal Chronicles incarnations will be left utterly unconvinced, as will those attracted to the game's hollow label and the supposed quality it's thought to carry. Weighed down by an unforgivably broken camera, shoddy narrative, a grating guitar-stained soundtrack, and truly cringe-worthy character localisation, Crystal Bearers also serves to illustrate the growing quality divide separating Eastern and Western titles looking to assimilate traits.

While I won't swing my hobnailed boots with excessive force at this juncture, arriving at alongside BioWare's 2 did Crystal Bearers absolutely no favours.

Of course, such comparisons are perhaps unfair insofar as Crystal Bearers and are radically different in terms of structure, design and execution. But therein lies the problem. It's been 13 years since the Japanese RPG phenomenon (i.e., Final Fantasy VII) set the console world alight with emotive storytelling, staggering rendered sequences and thrilling dice-roll gameplay, but how many repackaged and re-branded profit-squeezing wannabes must we endure before actually pushes its creativity in a different direction?

The combat in Crystal Bearers may stand apart from other genre entrants in that it unfolds through real-time mapped to the Wii Remote, but the generic environmental design and saccharin androgynous characters are plucked straight from the well-fingered Final Fantasy handbook. As is the fractured and confusing and trite 'hunt for mysterious crystal shards to save the world' narrative, which is played out by central hero Layle and a host of unappealing secondary characters chosen to collectively convey an experience less inviting than a 'Coach Parties Welcome!' tattoo emblazoned across a trucker's hairy arse.

Picking holes in the story and aesthetics doesn't excuse the combat either, which sees moments of genuine promise through Wii Remote interaction continually kneecapped by a trailing camera that's more of a threat to progression than the game's often retarded A.I. enemies. For example, although there are no with the cursor-based Wii Remote flicks required to grab on-screen objects and hurl enemies, problems often arise because the game camera isn't intuitive and must be controlled at all times via the Remote's directional pad. This ever-present intrusion cripples gameplay immersion and, while manageable during explorative segues, leads to some extremely frustrating battles when the player needs to guide Layle with the Nunchuk thumbstick, aim at on-screen targets with the Wii Remote, and constantly adjust the camera's vertical and horizontal orientation. And if that weren't enough of a hindrance (and it is), attempting to nudge the camera incrementally in order to subtly accompany character movement results in unpleasant jittery on-screen adjustments that further damage suspension of disbelief.

Disappointment also awaits players expecting to feast upon an epic adventure centred on massively oversized swords, a never-ending supply of character upgrades and outrageous magic spells. If that happens to be you, you'd be well advised to look elsewhere for those particular gaming kicks seeing as Crystal Bearers enforces a strict reliance on its gender-conflicted protagonist's blinkered ability to merely levitate and throw objects. Square Enix has at least made a cursory attempt at integrating status-enhancing accessories in the form of rings, amulets and earrings, which must be created by collecting and combining various seemingly trivial materials found scattered throughout the world. Sadly, however, the accumulated effects are rarely worth the expended effort and - if truth be told - Layle can move through much of the game using little more than the standard pick-it-up-and-chuck-it approach.

As the hapless story of Crystal Bearers unfolds in its own befuddled way, initial bouts of curious exploration across the overworld and through uncovered enclaves soon give way to forehead-smacking fetch quests and a tedious stream of backtracking, which leave only the game's quick-fix scripted events to supply any semblance of variety. And that variety is guaranteed - if your idea of variety is arbitrarily waggling the Wii Remote to unseat pursuing enemies from their Chocobo mounts or holding down the trigger button to pepper flying beasts with an inexhaustible storm of hot lead. Needless to say, the sporadic mini-games largely fail in their attempts to use the Wii Remote's functionality to help plug the gaping hole left by the rest of the game's stark inadequacies.

There's little on show in Crystal Bearers that's worth recommending and if this is Square Enix's way of showing Wii owners a little Final Fantasy love as and gamers prepare to devour Final Fantasy XIII, it's only likely to illicit further disgruntlement. An endlessly contrived core adventure filled with dislikeable characters, non-existent evolution, and a promising Wii Remote battle mechanic ruined by shoddy camera control combine to send Crystal Bearers to a decidedly deserved demise at the bottom of the bargain bin. Fish it out at your peril.

I wonder, can you guess which expletive I would have used in my single-word review? Answers on a postcard to...

45%

By Frank Meinungen