Once you've sorted that, and can now compete relatively successfully in matches, if you really want you can turn to the story mode 'Go to Zack Island'. The basic story is that Zack (whom in the real game, as far as I can tell, you receive gifts from but never actually meet) has won a fortune at a casino, and with it bought himself a paradise-style Island, to which at the opening cut-scene he is travelling with a virtual Christina Aguillera look-alike. Quite sinisterly (or so I thought), instead of legitimately inviting them, he has lied to all the ladies from DoA by fooling them into thinking that the fourth tournament is to be held there, and actually just tricked them all so that he can fill his Island with beautiful women. Instead of being horrified, the girls 'suck it up fast when they realise they are stuck on a beautiful tropical island to have fun in the sun playing beach volleyball', says the official site. By cunningly introducing the words 'suck it up', Microsoft's PR automatically ensure at least a few thousand copies will fly off the shelves, as pimply adolescent boys everywhere realise that this is a masturbation tool that they can actually con their parents into buying for them.

Anyway, back to the Island, where your chosen character gets introduced to Lisa, (unless you chose Lisa, of course), who shows you around the Island's facilities, and will be your partner for matches for the time being. This is where the game gets a bit weird. A reward system is in place for matches you win, as well as the completion of bizarre ‘hopping’ games that you can play by the poolside. You are rewarded in cash, which you can either gamble away at the casino at night, or buy yourself and others all sorts of girlie stuff, such as pretty accessories, food, toys, guns (I don't know why), and raunchy swimsuits and outfits. While it is fun to make 19 year old Leifang a fetching pair of braces and hotpants with no top underneath, the question that leaps to mind is simply this: why would any adolescent boy/masturbation fans of all ages/volleyball enthusiasts (yeah right) be interested in painting their character’s nails pink, or buying her a butterfly hair clip so that her hair looks pretty?

It was at this point that I began to wonder about the game’s target audience. Could it be that I was wrong, that in fact this game is actually orientated towards a younger female market perhaps, with just a few perks thrown in for any Dads who have to sit watching their child play for hours with their new game under the pretence of 'family time'? The accessory shop seems to suggest so, and I found under the 'options' bar that you can select your age, which starts at four and ends at some infinitely huge number, so perhaps there is a version without any rudeness? (I don't know, the thought of having to play the game devoid of all amusing sexual reference but still with all the naff objectives was too mind-numbing to contemplate).